When you’ve only got a hundred years to live

The song 100 Years by Five For Fighting has been playing in my head almost all of 2017. Thoughts about life and living have been very prevalent this past year due to Barb’s passing back in March, her dad’s passing at the beginning of November, and now today, reaching my 58th birthday. Saying it’s been an eventful year is a bit of an understatement.

For me, today hasn’t really been anything out of the ordinary. I woke up before the alarm went off, had to chase my dog Izzy back home from her morning walkabout, went to work, sat in meetings almost all day, came home, let Izzy out and chased her back home again (need to get the invisible fence working), made supper, and then went to choir practice since it’s Wednesday night. Just another day and I’m thankful for it. And I’m thankful for the Graeters Buckeye milkshake I picked up on the way home. Happy Birthday to me!

Today there have been moments of laughter and happiness as friends wished me a happy birthday but also moments of sadness as I experienced this first birthday without Barb. The year of firsts continues.

I missed her smile today and the way she would say happy birthday to me. I missed her annual reminder that on my 30th birthday, she gave me the best birthday present ever. The birth of our son. And a week late at that, as she had ‘held him in’ just long enough to be born on my birthday. She usually had a loving smirk on her face when making that statement and I really missed that too. I missed just being with her today.

When you find that one person that really does complete you and you spend many, so many loving years with them and then they are gone, it’s, well it’s like part of yourself is gone. You’re only part of a person and everyday happenings really feel kind of hollow. I’ve used that word hollow quite a lot lately as it feels like there’s a hollow place, a hole, inside my chest. Good things and happy times are still happening but they just don’t feel the same.

At the end of the song 100 years, the lyrics go like this:

“Fifteen there’s still time for you
Twenty two I feel her too
Thirty three you’re on your way
Every day’s a new day….
….Fifteen there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got hundred years to live”

The line “Every day’s a new day” has always resonated with me. No matter what the past years have been like, no matter what today has brought, no matter the good times or the bad, every day is a new day. Barb believed in the hope of the new day and she lived out that hope each and every day. Through the years of raising our kids, during the challenges of our marriage, and through her months of living with cancer. She never lost the hope of a new day.

Two of Barb’s go to scripture verses were Lamentations 3:22-23:
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

I’ve also learned to go to these verses during times of doubt, fear, and loss. Who wouldn’t want mercy and compassion every new morning. And to know that the one who created all things and holds the future in His hands is faithful. Faithful to me and to you. That is where we find the hope and strength to move on to the new day and live.

Those of you that have wished me a Happy 58th Birthday today, I truly do thank you. Your kindness helps to fill that hollow feeling I have. Will I live to be 100? I don’t know and honestly don’t really mind if I don’t. I’m going to greet each new morning one at a time and let each new day come to me as it may. And make that not just my wish but my way of living. When you’ve only got hundred years to live.

See you down the road.

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